Trans Info

Transitioning from one gender to another—whether medically, socially, or otherwise—is a complicated process. There are many aspects of transitioning that will affect different facets of your life. We have divided the transitioning process into three parts: social, medical, and legal. There is no correct order to do things, and some of these sections may not be relevant to your situation. Take what you need and leave the rest. (This section of the website is continuously under construction. Help is greatly appreciated!)

Contents:

Part 1: Social (see below)

    Section A: Talking About Being Trans

    Section B: The "Is This a Phase?" Question

    Section C: Relationship Issues

    Section D: The Bathroom Dilemma

    Section E: Life "After" Transition

Part 2: Medical

    Section A: Finding a Good Doctor

    Section B: Who the Heck Is Harry Benjamin?

    Section C: Your Mental Health

    Section D: Hormones, Hormones, Hormones!

    Section E: Surgery

Part 3: Legal

    Section A: What's in a Name?

    Section B: Cutting Through the Red Tape/Changing Your Legal Documents

    Section C: Your Rights

            Subsection i: At School

            Subsection ii: At Work

            Subsection iii: In the Family

Part 4: Misc.

    Section A: Reviews of Helpful Trans-Related Writing

    Section B: Finding the Information You Need

    Section C: "Resources"

 

Information relevant to family members of trans individuals, as well as friends and significant others can be found in our SOFFAs section. That section also includes communication tips that might be useful when talking about being trans to the important people in our lives. The Gender 101 section contains basic terminology and explanations of the differences between sex and gender, gender identity vs. sexual orientation, etc.

 

Part 1: Social

 

Section A: Talking About Being Trans


A common dilemma of those of us who are trans is how and when to share this information. Unfortunately, as with most difficult questions, there is no one-answer-fits-all solution. Different situations require different responses, and you are always the one who can best determine what to do in your particular set of circumstances. That is why we focus less on the specific words that you communicate, and more on the process of communication itself. Hopefully, some of these suggestions may be helpful to you, but remember that you are the only true expert on your life and the choices that you make are the ones that are right for your unique situation. 

 

The first part of this section is meant for people who are planning to transition or who have just started to do so, whether this means through hormones and surgery, or telling people that you prefer that they use different pronouns from what they are used to calling you.

 

So, you’ve decided to transition, whatever that might mean to you. Now what? If you live with your family or have any trace of connection with them, they’re probably going to have to know eventually. While on one hand it’s extremely scary to consider the multitude of reactions people might have, on the other hand, think of the possibility of finally being accepted for who you really are. Wouldn’t that be great? 

 

Obviously, if you think that you risk the possibility of facing a violent family member, or suspect that you could be kicked out of your home or lose custody of your children, it’s probably best to secure a safer situation for yourself before you come out to people.

 

For those folks with moderately reasonable and sane family members, here are some suggestions (and remember these are just suggestions!): 

 

First of all, remember that how your family member reacts now will most likely not be the way that they think about this issue a few months or years from now. You’ve probably spent a long time thinking and researching the possibilities before you decided to transition. Family members need to go through a similar process. They might not know anything about transgender people, or only know what they’ve seen on afternoon TV. They may be scared for your future, anxious that they can’t predict what will happen, or sad that they are “losing” a son/daughter/brother/whatever. Even though you will always be the same person on the inside, the “you” that they know may not be the “you” that you want the world to see. This will take some adjusting to. Whatever their feelings, they will probably need time to think about this and get used to the idea of referring to you with different pronouns and all the other shifts of perspective they’ll have to make as you transition. The good news is that even if they react somewhat negatively, they may still become your biggest allies down the road. Don’t give up on them.  

 

Keeping in mind that your family member will probably have to go through some sort of “transition” of their own, you’ll probably want to keep the conversation relatively short when you first broach the subject. 

 

Here is just one possibility of a way to handle “The Talk”:

 

Tell them, in whatever simple terms you can come up with, that you are transgender (or transsexual or genderqueer or whatever label fits you best), that you have given this a lot of thought, and that you plan to [insert plan here]. Tell them that you realize this is big news and would be glad to answer any questions they may have. 

 

And then wait. Hopefully, an interesting and productive discussion will follow and everything will be wonderful! But, please remember one more time that your family member’s reaction is not a predictor of how they will feel in the future!  

 

Three major reasons why someone might react negatively are:

 

 

(1)   fear of change

(2)   fear of the unknown

(3)   lack of information 

 

 

Most people are largely creatures of habit. We fall into our little nitches and that’s where we’re expected to stay. Announcing your plan to transition changes not only your family’s perception of you, but their perception of the entire family and even themselves. If Dad is used to thinking of himself as a husband and father of two sons, shifting his brain to thinking about one son and one daughter is going to take some time. I’d guess that most of us have the tendency to resist change when it seems that things are already running smoothly. 

 

Fear of the unknown…Your family member may not have ever met another trans person (that they know of, at least) and not have any idea what to expect. Mom may have set her hopes on being “grandma” one day to her daughter’s kids, but now her daughter is saying she—I mean he’s—a son! “What does it all mean?” they wonder. They may be worried about future medical complications or your job security or surgeries or who knows what. The point is that there’s probably a lot going through their heads that they’re not saying. Be patient. 

 

Hand in hand with fear of the unknown is a lack of information. Most people don’t do an abundance of research on trans-related issues unless they personally know someone who is trans or are trans themselves. The information they do have is probably from TV, which could be accurate…or not so much. What a great opportunity for learning you have given them! 

 

Hopefully, as your family member learns more about what it means to be transgender, many of their fears will be alleviated. Chances are that you will be a big part of their learning process. The more open you are to answering questions, the more your family member will learn. So how do you display this “openness,” you ask. (Oops, that’s me asking…got my pronouns confused again!) That’s a good question that doesn’t have an easy answer, though I’m open to suggestions! However, it seems that blocks in communication often happen when each person is worried about offending the other. Neither person says a thing and neither learns anything! If you can figure out how to get past some of this awkwardness—by inviting the other person to talk, etc.—it will probably be a huge help. 

 

Chances are that you’ll be surprised about some reactions. That elderly great-aunt of yours whom you were sure would disown you might adapt to your new name more easily than anyone else. Unfortunately, there are also people that you probably consider wonderful, open-minded friends who may not take the news easily. One thing I have learned from my own experience is that people who say, “Oh! That’s so great!” and then sort of change the subject as if you had just described what you cooked for dinner the night before and there is nothing more to say may not be as comfortable with your news as they seem to be. Be sure to invite this type of person to ask questions as well, even if they can’t think of any in the moment. 

 

Although coming out to your family may be incredibly daunting to think about, it can be quite a learning experience. There is something empowering about making the decision to transition no matter how other people may react. When you risk losing everything and come out the other side in once piece, you will know that there is no set of circumstances that you can’t handle. If you can get through this, you can do anything.

 

Section B: The "Is This a Phase?" Question

 

[Disclaimer: Nothing on this website is intended to be taken as advice on whether or not transitioning is right for you. You are the only expert on you, and only you can make this decision.]

 

After finding out that a person is trans, one of the questions that seems to worry friends and family members the most is, “Is this just a phase?” This question can take many forms: 

  • What if my child is just a “tomboy” and mistakenly thinks she is trans?
  • What if my brother is mentally ill, and, after receiving treatment, realizes he is the happy man we all want him to be?
  • What if my friend transitions and then changes her mind—will it be too late?
  • What if my son is just rebelling and “thinks” he wants to be a girl? Later in life he’ll regret this!
  • What if my child has been influenced by friends/the media/the university’s Women Studies program/etc. and thinks she is trans, but really isn’t?
  • What if my child is really gay, and just thinks he/she is a different gender to avoid stigma?

 

 If you are transgender, you’ve probably been asked these, or similar questions. You’ve probably pointed out that your gender identity is completely different from your feelings about the New Kids on the Block, and no, it’s not just a phase. Chances are, you’ve probably felt similarly about your gender identity for your whole life. Even if you didn’t run around telling people, “I’m really a boy/girl!” at age 4, most trans people that I’ve met have described feeling “different,” or like something was always “wrong,” or that they didn’t fit in, but didn’t know why. You’ve probably explained this to number of family member and friends, and tried to squelch all their fears that you might be making a big mistake. 

 

I think an unfortunate part of feeling burdened to convince the world that we are who we say we are is that we’re often afraid to talk about our own fears of transitioning. I mean, what if this IS a big mistake? Maybe you feel embarrassed about your lingering fears and try to push them away, like those of nervous family members. Well, you don’t have to do that. The good news is that it’s normal to be afraid. You’ve spent your entire life with the gender label you were born with, even if you were never a “typical” boy or girl. Especially if you didn’t have much exposure to people who weren’t gender-typical heterosexuals as you grew up, it can take a long time to figure out this gender identity thing, sometimes a whole lifetime. It makes sense that you’d be nervous about how your transition will work out, or have little thoughts in the back of your head that wonder whether you’ll really lead a more fulfilled life in your true gender. It’s ok to be thinking these things. In fact, it’s healthy to be thinking these things in order to know whether or not you’re ready to transition. If a person was totally 100% positive that all their problems would be solved by transitioning, that’s when I’d worry the person might change their mind when reality hits. 

 

So think, think, think, and don’t be afraid to be afraid! No one can see into the future, and you will never be completely sure about how your life will turn out. If you can, talk to someone about your concerns. We all have “what ifs” in the beginning—you don’t need to come up with a “solution”—it’s often helpful just to have someone to talk to. 

 

Another great thing is that we always have choices. You’ll never have to sign a waiver promising to have surgery within one year, take hormones forever, and never question your gender identity again. The process of transitioning is slow. (Often it seems too slow!) What’s good about this is that you’ll have time to adapt to the changes within yourself and assess whether you’re moving in a positive direction for you. (Chances are, you will be.) Just as you decided to start transitioning—medically or otherwise—you can also decide to stop. Maybe now isn’t the right time, for any number or reasons. That’s ok too. You are the only person who can decide what is best for you. As you gather more information, your opinions might vary, but you are still the one in the driver’s seat. Don’t get stuck feeling like you have to fit the stereotype of masculinity or femininity in order to convince family members that you’re doing the right thing. Be true to yourself and be who you are. Easier said than done, yes, but definitely worth it.

 

To family members who may have asked similar questions as the ones above: Trust the transgender person you know to take responsibility for his or her own life and make decisions that are right for him/her. That is often difficult to do, especially since you don't want to see your family member make a bad decision. But in order to be supportive, you're really going to have to step back and let him or her determine the wisest course of action. Chances are, this isn't a phase. Chances are also good that your transgender family member will need and appreciate your support now more than ever. There are rarely any definite answers or guarantees in this process, but hopefully you'll find a way to trust that things will work out for the best, somehow or other. As you watch your family member become more true to him or herself, hopefully you'll see that they are making the right decision after all, whatever that decision may be.

Section C: Relationship Issues

Ahhh, . Judging from the number of dating how-to books out there, it’s clear that navigating relationships can be tricky business for a large percentage of the population. And relationships involving one or more trans partner are no exception. As a trans person, or as the partner or potential partner of a trans person, you may have some questions and concerns that don’t make it into any of the usual love self-help texts. In this section, we’re going to try to touch on some of the major issues that come up when gender and romance mix in non-traditional ways. But here’s the disclaimer: for most of these questions, there are no easy answers. A lot depends on the individuals involved and the circumstances. Our hope for this page is to acknowledge that these issues exist, offer some suggestions for things to consider, and reassure that things can and do work out: there are people out there who will accept you for who you are, including your gender identity.

 

 from the trans person 

 

Q. When/How do I tell someone who I am interested in that I’m trans? (Would they ever date me if they knew?)

The truth is that different individuals choose to reveal their trans identity at different times. Many trans people are already “out” in their community, so potential partners already know from the very beginning. Others wait until they are getting to know someone before sharing this information, not beginning a romantic relationship until the other person is aware. Others date someone for a while and then tell their significant other before becoming sexually involved. A few post-surgical trans folks don’t ever tell their partner. If you are leaning toward this option, we encourage you to consider whether you really want to be in a relationship with someone while keeping this important aspect of yourself from them. So much of what makes a relationship a good one involves communication, trust, and respect, and hiding your experience with gender could interfere with any or all of these. It is also important to keep in mind that if your partner were to find out unexpectedly, it could lead to an unsafe situation. Although people are far more open-minded about the variety of genders out there than in previous decades, there are still some people who fear difference and may react in violent ways.

 

In the end, it is up to you to decide how you are most comfortable disclosing your gender identity.. Factors impacting this decision include the context of how you know your potential partner, how well you know them, and safety. Be ready to recommend some reading materials/good trans-friendly documentaries/etc. to the other person if they’re interested in learning more (sometimes the only exposure people have to trans-related info comes from TV shows like Jerry Springer – there are far better sources out there than that!). Be available to answer questions – s/he probably has a bunch. (Sometimes people are afraid to ask questions because they don't want to seem stupid or make you uncomfortable--be proactive and ASK them what questions they have.) Most importantly, have faith that there are people who are going to accept and embrace this aspect of your identity! Being trans is not something to be ashamed of. While it may be uncomfortable at first to discuss these issues with your partner or potential partner, remember that your partner loves who you are as a person (hopefully), and being open about all aspects of who you are will most likely lead to greater trust and intimacy between you. While it's certainly possible that someone may choose not to be in a relationship with you because your are trans, there are also people who make decisions not to start a romantic relationship based on a person's religion, race, weight, intelligence, favorite type of music, sense of humor, etc. If someone rejects you because of your gender identity, it's not your fault, and it doesn't mean that you're an unworthy person--sometimes relationships just don't work out. Be patient. There is someone out there for everyone.

 

Q. I began a relationship before coming to terms with my gender identity. When/How do I tell my current spouse/partner/etc. that I am transgender? (Will the relationship end or can we make this work?)

The answer to this question depends so much on the individuals involved. There are ways to prepare yourself for the conversation, but in the end, part of the outcome depends on your partner. At first it might seem like there are just two possibilities: that your partner will be unable to accept this aspect of who you are (and the impact it has on their identity) and the relationship will end, or that s/he will rejoice with you that you want to live true to yourself and the relationship will flourish. The truth is that there are a lot of in-betweens. The keys to navigating this change in your relationship are communication and trying to understand the other person’s experience. Recognize that for your partner, knowing you as your true gender can be a huge shift in their perception of you and of themselves. Even if they can come to terms with the change, there is often significant pressure from family and friends to explain and/or justify their choices. There is a chance that your partner may not feel physically attracted to you as your "new" gender. That said, just because your partner’s initial reaction is not glowing does not mean the relationship has to end. Allow your partner to express their concerns and work through their feelings. Communicate and negotiate about what both of your needs and desires are. Have some ideas for supports available should your partner want or need to communicate with other partners of trans individuals (see our links page for some possibilities). And remember, just as transgender folks typically go through a process of figuring out their gender identity, it makes sense that their partner would go through a similar process.

 

This site has some anecdotes about individuals who have varied experiences coming out as transgender to a significant other http://www.gaylesbiantimes.com/?id=9032.

 

Q. If I don’t dress like/look like/sound like/act like/have the exact same physical attributes as a typical man/woman, will my partner still love me? Be attracted to me? See me as my true gender?

Don’t worry if you feel insecure about how your partner will perceive you. It’s normal, given the culture we’ve all grown up in, to continuously compare yourself to society’s “ideal” version of masculinity or femininity.  Keep in mind that you partner also feels pressure to conform. Know that we are all mixtures of masculinity and femininity. Also know that anyone worth your time is going to value you with all the life experience and courage it took to get you to where you are now over some two-dimensional version of gender “perfection.” Even people we might view as physically "perfect" might worry that they are too fat or too thin or that no one would ever love someone who snorts when they laugh. Practically everyone has a reason to feel insecure, even though our differences are what make us unique human beings. Building trust in any relationship takes time; don’t get down on yourself if your anxiety doesn’t disappear overnight.  

 

from the current or potential partner 

 

Q. If I am dating/married to/intimate with a trans person, does that change my sexual orientation?

For anyone who has definitively categorized themselves as gay or lesbian or heterosexual, suddenly finding that the object of your affection doesn’t fit your “type” can be confusing. For someone who has come out as gay or lesbian, suddenly having a partner of the “opposite sex” can lead to difficult questions. A heterosexual individual may question their sexuality when they find that they are attracted to someone who--though their gender identity makes them a potential partner--has anatomy similar to their own. For some, it is too difficult and the relationship ends. Others are able to redefine their sexuality beyond just “I am attracted to someone with this configuration of genitalia” and find categories to be less important. We encourage anyone struggling with these questions to seek a support group for partners of trans folks (in Maine, this will probably mean starting your own--contact us if you'd like help with this).. Also be aware of the way that these questions and struggles impact your partner. Rarely do gender-normative heterosexual folks have to worry about their partner suddenly having an identity crisis when they become intimate. Don’t ignore your feelings of confusion, perhaps even loss--just be aware that this is one more pressure that trans individuals face in relationships. 

 

Q. How will my partner’s transition affect my identity? Will it affect my community/support network?

Example: A lesbian in a relationship with someone who is FTM may fear losing the support of her lesbian community when her partner physically transitions. Likewise, can the woman whose husband of 25 years comes out as MTF find support among her friends from the Parent-Teacher Association? The change from one sexual identity to another, or to an ambiguous sexuality, can be challenging for the individual in a relationship, and can be difficult for that person's friends and family, as well. And the pressure from these support members who may “mean well” can put a major strain on your relationship with your partner. (Can your mom keep going to those PFLAG meetings if her (lesbian?) daughter is dating an FTM?) Keep communicating with your partner. Acknowledge the confusion you both may be experiencing and seek out people who are inclusive of individuals of all gender identities and sexualities.  

 

Q. When/How/Do I tell my friends/family that my partner is transgender?

We’ve met folks who told their family and friends immediately about their partner’s gender identity, and others who have been with their partner for years and their parents and families still don’t know. Whether or not you tell your family and friends that your partner is trans is a very personal choice that is up to you and your partner. Things to think about:

  •  How important is it to me to be very honest and open about personal issues with your family/friends?

  •  How “out” is my partner going to be in the community?

  • What cultural/religious norms may impact my family’s/friend’s reaction to this news, and how does this change my opinion about whether or not I should tell them?

 

A couple words of advice for if you decide to talk to a friend of family member about your partner's gender identity:

  • Be open and prepared to answer questions and educate your friends and family about gender issues.

  • Telling someone your partner is trans is not like telling someone they have incurable cancer. It’s not better or worse than being gender-normative, just different. Set the tone for your family and friends to understand this by using words that are judgment-free and respectful. Model respect by always using your partner’s preferred name/pronouns.

  • Know ahead of time how you are going to respond if your family member or friend is not supportive, if they refuse to acknowledge this about your partner, etc. How will it impact your relationship with them? See the Asking for Change section of the website for strategies for effective communication. 

  • Remember that you don't need to "convince" your friend or family member to become an outspoken trans advocate in one conversation. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and values. Though you might be disappointed that someone isn't responding the way you would like them to, change happens through education and understanding, not "forcing" your beliefs on someone who isn't ready to hear your point of view. 

 

Q. How do I talk to my partner about her/his gender identity? If I bring it up, will it upset her/him by being a reminder that s/he is not gender-typical? I’m so afraid to offend her/him!!

Different people have different levels of sensitivity regarding their gender identity. Some trans folks, after transitioning, live as though they never had any other experiences of gender. But the reality for many folks, especially those in intimate relationships, is that being trans is going add a dynamic to the relationship that you will want to or need to discuss. (See the What Now? section of this site for more information on how to assertively communicate your needs and wants.) Communication does not need to involve harsh judgment, and you probably won't upset your partner if you communicate in a respectful way. You aren’t going to remind your partner about their gender identity as though it was some painful memory they had long forgotten. On the contrary, by talking about it openly and respectfully, you may be able to communicate love and acceptance. If these kinds of conversations are just really difficult (and they can be), you might want to consider talking to a counselor or couples therapist together in order to meet both of your needs. 

 

 

 

a note about domestic violence

 

Like relationships between gender-typical individuals, relationships involving one or more transgender partner are not immune to domestic violence. Forms of abuse that can occur in relationships where one partner is transgender include (this is a partial list only):

  • using offensive pronouns such as “it” to refer to the transgender partner;

  • ridiculing the transgender partner’s body and/or appearance;

  • telling the transgender partner that he or she is not a real man or woman;

  • ridiculing the transgender partner’s identity as “bisexual,” “trans,” “femme,” “butch,” “genderqueer,” etc.;

  • denying the transgender partner’s access to medical treatment or hormones or coercing him or her to not pursue medical treatment

 

If you or someone you know is experiencing this type of abuse, there are many ways to get help. Among them are:

 

National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE

National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE

GLBT National Help Center 1-888-843-4564    www.glbtnationalhelpcenter.org

 

The information in the “A note about Domestic Violence” Section of this Web Page was taken from a publication of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (www.ncadv.org) at http://www.ncadv.org/files/lgbt.pdf - More information relating to transgender individuals and relationship violence can be found on the North Carolina State Women’s Center website: http://www.ncsu.edu/womens_center/relationship/transgender.php .

 

 

Section D: The Bathroom Dilemma

    Under construction

 

 Section E: Life "After" Transition  

    Under construction




(c)Maine Transgender Network, Inc., 2009

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